Yesterday marked 15 weeks since my pituitary surgery. I have been through a lot since then – insomnia, weakness, nausea, face rash – but the thing that is relentless, the thing that never lets me forget is pain.

I sleep through pain. Any time I wake in the night, I’m in pain. I wake in the morning in pain. I am in pain if I’m sitting, laying, standing, leaning, bending, squatting or whatever other positions. In some ways I’ve gotten used to it and cope with it. What else can I do?

In other ways, I’m not myself. Things I usually would care about, I don’t, or at least not as much. The pain clouds some of my usual personality and usual reaction.

Except when I injure a muscle, I don’t have sharp pain. This is a constant ache in every inch of my body. This is so different than anything I have ever experienced before. I’ve had pain in specific places, even several places at once. But this constant and entire body pain is just unreal. I really don’t know how I cope other than just not having a choice.

I recently saw a large group of people that I had not seen in years. I was in a hurry, so that was part of my problem, but I didn’t say anything to anyone. My ability to converse was numb. The overwhelming pain robs me of the ability to do other ordinary things. It interferes with my ability to think and reason. It obscures my capability of planning and organizing. I don’t feel like myself at all.

In general it almost feels like I came out of the OR with someone else’s body. I feel completely different. I act completely different. I live completely different. I’m having to relearn how to do everything in this bizarre state of being.

I tell myself that the pain will pass. I hope that is true. It has been true for others, on a six month to two year time table. Please don’t let it take me two years. I’m not sure I have the ability within me to cope with this pain for two years, but before this I wouldn’t have believed I had it within me to cope with this pain for 15 weeks, but here I am, pain and all.