Is it wrong for me to complain? I think people think that since I did find an answer and did get a “cure” that I should just shut up and be happy. I’m having a hard time doing that. I am so far less than what I should be. I am suffering and miserable. I’m watching the train wreck that is my life.

So much that needs to be done, and I can’t do it. I can’t even do the very basics. I have to get a lot of help, just to get through each day. My house is a wreck. I’m embarrassingly behind on any financial recording/filing etc. I have a hard time thinking and planning. My brain just doesn’t work like it should. And what works is preoccupied with discomfort and pain.

But I shouldn’t complain because I’m alive, I have the help (although they are also worn and weary) and I have at least a better prognosis than my current condition. So I need to just suck it up and deal. I guess I’ve done so much sucking up and dealing for the past 12 years, I’m just all sucked out.

It’s not that I’m not grateful. I’m extremely grateful for the medical help I finally got, for the family that has kept me alive and for God that provides for me again and again. I have a hard time showing and expressing my gratitude because I am having a hard time right now showing or expressing anything. Ever since my surgery it has all felt like an extended out of body experience. I don’t know myself anymore. I’m experiencing feelings and physical pain and limitations I’ve never known before. I’ve had to relearn how to do almost everything.

I sincerely hope I will get better than I am right now. I really don’t know how I would cope in this state of being for years. Just months is enough to make me want to request a medically induced coma until I’m through this stage.

I know, I shouldn’t complain. How about I strike a deal. Anyone who thinks I shouldn’t complain can do a day long shift in my body. I’d love a break from it anyway.