Herr Modehosen



Perry and I are taking off for the Panhandle on Thursday, and I worry constantly that he’ll get bored in the car. He’s fickle like that, and might lose interest in me if things get too dull, so I’ve come up with a list of things to keep him jumping for the whole 32 hours of the round-trip drive. My ideas, in no particular order:

  1. Figure out how to sing Mr. Fancy Pants in German and do it often.
  2. Take Lynn’s guitar and learn how to play it.
  3. Invent games such as “name that smell” and “what’s more annoying than this?”
  4. Speak only in limericks.
  5. Drive with my feet.
  6. Drive in the buff.
  7. Drive with my feet while riding in the buff on the hood.
  8. Pretend I’m a tiny bushman and speak only in clicks and squeaks when we stop to eat.
  9. Think up hundreds of abusive Mad Libs.
  10. Get the attention of the highway patrol and attempt to evade them.
  11. Ride in the median as much as possible.
  12. Stop at every mile marker and try to mark it.
  13. Carry a constant supply of Jolt Cola to support the above (and other endeavors).
  14. Loop “Shiny Happy People” the whole time.
  15. Smoke my pipe the whole time.
  16. Try to sit in his lap the whole time.
  17. Repeat everything he says the whole time, with a German accent.
  18. Signal fellow travelers with his currently-equipped underwear.
  19. Constantly misuse words, like “exert” instead of “assert.” Have to exert my manhood.
  20. Come up with a hundred new verses of “Beans, Beans, the Magical Fruit.”

I really think he’ll enjoy the agenda.

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